


When You Wake Up

by dancriesduringsex



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phil Lester is definitely not in Kansas anymore, Suicide, Time Travel, kind of, more like, not really - Freeform, or something, universe hopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7316509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancriesduringsex/pseuds/dancriesduringsex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has a nap and when he wakes up, he's in a universe where he is already dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Wake Up

**Author's Note:**

> This is much longer than I thought it would be.  
> Also it's unedited because it's two in the morning and I just cannot be bothered.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it anyway :)

"Why not?"

"You know why, Dan."

Dan never sees Phil as defensive as when he brings up one of his ideas about a coming out video. Lately he's been trying to be more comfortable acting like himself - leaving his Haru pillow in plain sight, taking about how cute boys are, purposely making posts and talking about how "domestic" he and Phil are - and it's scaring Phil.

"It's 2016, Phil. We just came off a tour where about a billion girls would be so happy if we could be totally honest with them. Things are okay, we'll be okay."

Phil's frown deepens. "You remember the leak," is his reply.

"Phil-" Dan says, a little exasperated. "I was twenty-one. You were as scared as I was, you can't blame me now for how I felt like I had to deal with that then. I'm ready for them to know now, that's the difference."

"No."

Dan sighs, leaning back into his sofa crease. "Maybe next year then," he mutters.

Phil relaxes a bit then, now that the conversation might be over. He just can't understand why Dan would want to tip this balance they've spent so much time trying to maintain. Honesty would be nice, sure and not having to cut around their banter that cuts a little too close to "loving", rather than "friendly" would make editing their videos easier - Phil just can't shake the idea that all the internet will do in the wake of this news is objectify them and fetishize their relationship even more. Dan keeps saying he's ready but Phil is so afraid of him getting scared and slipping away.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” he says quietly.

Dan looks at him. “For what?”

“I feel like I’m always holding you back.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Stop with that, alright? You got me here, you couldn’t hold me back if you tried.”

“But you…” Phil trails off. “I’m still sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Dan gets up and stretches. "I don't think we've got anything for dinner, might have to go to the store. What do you want to eat?"

Phil smiles a bit, happy Dan doesn't seem angry with him. "It's been awhile since you've made a stir fry," he replies.

"You are a smart man, Phil Lester," Dan says, going to put his shoes on.

He comes back a moment later, kisses Phil's forehead, and says, "I shouldn't be long but you should go have a nap, you look tired."

"All that bus sleeping has ruined me for real beds."

Dan shakes his head. "Yet your stomach still turned over a little on the cab ride home from the airport."

"Cars are different."

Dan laughs and Phil is still proud of himself every time he can make Dan do that. "See you in a little while," Dan says, and leaves the room.

Phil lays down - half in Dan's spot since it's still warm from his body heat - and closes his eyes.

As he drifts off to sleep, he can almost feel a rocking sensation like he's drifting on the ocean. He thinks of too many things in that time, but mostly about Dan. He also thinks about the two of them right after they moved to London, young and a little naively optimistic about how the future might work out. 

Mostly, he thinks about how much better off Dan would be without him.

* * *

 

Phil wakes up to the sound of a bag hitting the floor.

He startles awake and looks up to see Dan standing in the doorway. Phil rubs his eyes under his glasses. "Did you just get back? How long was I asleep?"

When Dan doesn't reply, Phil looks up to see tears in his boyfriend's eyes. Phil gets up quickly and starts walking over. "Did something happen? What's wrong?"

When Phil gets too close, Dan puts his hands up and shoves him back. "Get away from me," he hisses. "Who the hell are you?"

Phil freezes. "Dan," he says carefully. "It's me, Phil."

Dan shakes his head, burying his face in his hands. "You can't be, Phil isn't -"

Phil takes a moment to look around, and this is certainly their flat, but it's different. All of the Dan and Phil related things - gifts from fans, their copy of the book, the light up & from their publisher - are gone. Some of the decorations they bought themselves are gone too. So are all of Phil's plants. The room is almost bare of personality except for some framed photos on the shelves that Phil can’t quite make out from this distance and some decorative art hanging up. The sofa is different and the chairs from around their table aren't the same colorful ones as before.

Phil swallows a thick knot in his throat and looks at Dan, only now realizing he looks a bit different. His hair is curly for once, and cut differently from before. He likes it, sure, but it doesn't quite go with the "aesthetic". Phil might not have noticed normally, but even his outfit is off. Dan would normally never wear jeans that weren't black. At least his short sleeve button down that's black with teeny tiny white flowers is a little bit closer to familiar.

"Dan, what's going on?"

Dan, still seeming to be having a crisis, looks at Phil again. "You..." He trails off. "I need you to prove that you're really Phil."

Phil blinks at him. "Why wouldn't I be me?"

Dan ignores the question. "Tell me something only you would know."

Phil thinks for a moment. "The, uh," he can't seem to pull a specific memory. "The first time you came to visit me, we spent almost the whole night talking. It was almost four-thirty in the morning before we settled down enough to sleep. You were too tired for your own good at that point and you told me you wanted a baby seal as a pet and you looked like you were going to cry when I told you I didn't think you could have a seal as a pet."

Dan chokes out a laugh. "Of course that's what you remember. Okay, you're probably you. What's the last thing you remember before you went to sleep?"

Phil cocks his head a little, remembering. "You were leaving to pick up food for dinner. You kissed my forehead and told me to take a nap, so I did."

Dan looks a little pained behind the eyes. "And when was that?"

Phil blinks owlishly at him. "What do you mean?"

"What year do you think it is right now?"

"It's 2016, isn't it?"

Dan nods. "It is."

"So what's going on?"

Dan looks down at his feet, then up at Phil, then past him, out the window. "I don't really know how to say this," he says, "Phil, you..."

"What?"

"Phil," Dan catches his eyes again. "You died a few years ago."

Phil can't respond, he just stands and stares at Dan. "I what?"

Dan nods. "I kept this place, because I needed to stay in London, but I think I'm moving soon. Maybe to Brighton near PJ."

Phil is reeling. "How could I be dead if I'm alive? You and I have done so much this past few years. How could that be gone?"

"Done what?" Dan asks.

"I - well..." Phil has to think to recount everything. "We went to Japan together. You and I have a joint gaming channel now, we wrote a book, we put together a stage show and took it on tour."

The tears are back in Dan's eyes.

"No, please don't cry," Phil insists, "Please."

Dan rubs his eyes. "I'm just having a hard time with this. It's been ages since I've heard your voice and now you're here."

"Isn't my channel still up, my videos -"

Dan shakes his head. "I deleted everything."

Phil stares at him. "You what?"

Dan takes a deep breath. "When your check from Youtube came in the mail and I saw it was way more than usual since your hit count shot through the roof when you died, I freaked out and had to get rid of everything."

Phil stares at him. "Oh, Dan."

"I just -" he begins. "I was way too overwhelmed. Having that there was too much. Even seeing the comments people were starting to leave on your oldest videos, everything was too much."

"You deleted everything?" Phil asks.

Dan nods. "All of your things. All of my videos of the two of us I only set to private, thank goodness."

"Have you still been making videos, then?"

Dan sighs. "Maybe we should sit down, would you like some tea?"

Phil nods, as Dan leans over to pick up the bag he dropped rather carelessly before - a black book bag. They walk to the kitchen in silence, and Dan puts on water to boil. "What else have you and I done lately?" Dan asks.

Phil shrugs. "The tour and the book have been taking up most of our time. We left the radio show because the American tour was going to be long and we didn't want them waiting for us."

"The radio show kept going that long?" Dan asks, smiling.

Phil nods. "We were having fun with it, too. We did Seven Second Challenges every month and whichever of us won got to play a song and you picked All Star almost every time you won."

Dan leans his back against the counter. "What's a Seven Second Challenge?"

Phil blinks at him. "You don't know?"

Dan shakes his head.

"But they -" _ That's right _ , Phil thinks,  _ I came up with that game, didn't I? _ "It's a game I made up where you take turns giving each other things you have to do or say in seven seconds."

"Interesting," Dan says.

There is a short lull where Dan is just staring at Phil, before Phil says, "You didn't answer my question from before. What have you been up to?"

Dan shrugs. "I’m still doing Youtube,” he says. “The content’s a little different from before. I forced myself to get more comfortable with more casual content. Sometimes I’ll take my camera out with me and just film whatever’s going on. Usually it’s the typical vlog type things though, pick and topic and talk for a few minutes, maybe throw in a skit here or there.”

"Good," Phil says. “I can’t really imagine you not making things.”

Dan smiles. "I want to get into directing, I think. I have a few ideas for a documentary I'm thinking of putting together."

"My Dan was in a documentary too."

Dan cocks his head. "Really?"

"It was for the BBC so he didn't have much control over it, he was mostly just hosting, but it was on TV and plenty of people saw it. It was pretty cool."

Dan smiles. "A lot happened wherever you're from, huh?"

Phil smiles, nodding. "Something exciting must've happened here too."

"Well," Dan says, turning so he's only looking at the kettle. "Something big did happen."

Phil perks up. "Oh yeah? What?"

"I feel weird being nervous telling you this. Since it seems like you're still with... "me" somewhere else, it feels wrong."

Phil starts to get a sinking feeling but tries to convince himself it's wrong to be jealous about a Dan that isn't his to be jealous over. "If you're with someone else it's alright," he says. "I'm supposed to be dead here, right?"

Dan nods, glancing back over at Phil. " I have a daughter," he says quietly. "She was born on your birthday three years ago."

Phil smiles. "I always thought you'd be cute as a dad."

Dan smiles back. "I was only with her mom from a short while after you died up until right after she got pregnant. After Pippa was born she forfeited custody to me and moved back to America."

"Pippa?"

"Philippa Jane Howell."

Dan pours cups of tea for each of them. "So, where is she?" Phil asks.

Dan glances at the clock. "Louise said they'd be back by her bedtime so she should be back soon."

Phil grins. "You're still friends with Louise here?"

Dan nods. "I edit her videos for her in exchange for her babysitting Pippa sometimes. She's a huge help since my mom is too far away to come help me properly."

"Wow," Phil murmurs.

Dan nods, sitting down and sipping his tea. "It's nice, all the support I've gotten with her. Even your mom sends me things for Pip sometimes. I call her if my mom can't answer."

"My mom?"

Dan catches eyes with Phil briefly, but looks down at his tea again. "Your family took it really hard, you know. I've been keeping in touch because they know what your absence feels like as well as I do."

Phil looks down at his tea, takes a sip, keeps staring. Dan stares at Phil since he isn't looking. "It's nice that you got to get older somewhere," Dan says quietly. "You're twenty-nine now, yeah?"

Phil nods. "It was a good birthday, too."

They hear the front door open downstairs and Dan gets up.

"Daddy!" A little voice shouts, followed by the sound of little feet taking stairs.

"Hey Pippa," Dan says, grinning as a little girl runs directly into his legs, hugging him.

Phil stands as well, watching them, smiling.

Louise follows where Pippa just came up. She hands Dan a Star Wars backpack. "She already had dinner at Zoe’s, so you just have to put her to bed," she says.

Phil walks a little closer.

Louise continues talking, "She was very well behaved today, didn't complain once on the drive to Zoe's house."

"Daddy," Pippa says, tugging on Dan's jeans.

Both Dan and Louise look down at her. "Yes, sweetheart?" He replies.

She points into the kitchen, hiding behind Dan's leg.

Louise cocks her head, peeking into the kitchen and gasps, covering her mouth with her hand in shock.

"Hey Lou," Phil says, waving and smiling sheepishly.

Dan picks up Philippa. "That's a friend of Daddy's, he's gonna be staying with us for a little while."

"Dan," Louise says cautiously.

Dan sighs. "I'll call you after I put Pip to bed, alright? I'll explain then."

"You’d better," Louise says. "I've got to get home now." She leans over and kisses Philippa's cheek. "See you later, Miss Pippa."

"Buh-bye, Weeze," Philippa replies.

Louise smiles, glances at Phil, then takes her leave.

"Alright, pj time little lady," Dan says.

"Not tired yet, Daddy," Philippa pouts.

"It's your bedtime though."

Philippa looks right at Phil. Phil thinks right away that she looks exactly like all of Dan's baby pictures, only with big blue eyes instead of brown ones. "What’s ‘is name?"

Dan looks at Phil. "That's Phil, he was Daddy's best friend a long time ago."

"Before me?"

Dan smiles. "Daddy's best friend before Pippa became Daddy's best friend."

Philippa hugs Dan around his neck, looking directly at Phil. "Daddy’s my best friend, not yours."

Phil laughs and walks over, leaning in a little. "I hope we can be friends too," he says and then adds, "You look just like your Daddy."

She grins. "That's because Daddy's  _ my _ Daddy."

"Pj time," Dan says again.

Philippa whines as Dan carries her down the hall and into... Phil's room? Phil follows and finds that what used to be his old room now belongs to this little girl. There’s a mix of all differents kinds of toys; for boys and girls. Phil thinks it’s so like Dan to make a point of keeping his child balanced that way. On her bed is a BB-8 plush sat right beside a Merida doll.

The little girl starts pulling the hair ties off her pigtails while Dan lays out her pajamas. “Do you want Daddy’s help or do you want to get changed by yourself?”

Philippa looks up at Dan with determination. “I’ll do it myself, Daddy,” she turns and starts undressing, but looks up at Dan again. “Stay in here though, just in case you want to help me, okay?”

Dan chuckles and untucks her bed while she changes. Once she’s done, she crawls in and Dan pulls the blanket up to her chin, setting BB-8 on her left and Merida on her right. She grins and outstretches her pinky to Dan. Dan links his pinky with hers and they shake them up and down twice while Philippa says, “Pleasant dreams for you and me.”

Dan kisses the top of her head. “Night, Pip,” he says.

“Good night, Daddy,” she yawns as Dan walks back toward the door.

He turns on her night light before turning off the light and pulling her door nearly all the way closed. Dan looks at Phil and gestures back toward the kitchen.

Once they’re sat back down with their tea, Phil breaks into a grin. “She’s so cute!” he gushes, trying to be quiet.

Dan can’t help smiling with him. “Yeah, she’s done a lot of good for me, that kid. She’s the reason I get more than one video up a week nowadays.”

“You actually get up more than one video a week. My Dan can barely get one up a week, if that.”

“Sounds like you two have other things going on though. All I’ve got is Pip and my channel.”

“You said you want to trying making a documentary, that’s something.”

Dan shrugs. “It’s still just an idea though, you know. And it’s more an extension of my channel than anything. I want to do it about single fathers.”

“That’s an extension of your channel.”

Dan nods, picking up his tea cup and peering into it like it’s feeding him what to say. “My videos became about me trying to process. I opened up completely about everything after you were gone because there was nowhere else to put my feelings. So when Pippa was on her way, I told them that too. And I told them when I started taking care of her on my own. I vlogged myself at the hospital when she got sick last winter. My whole life is there for them to see now.”

“You told them everything?” Phil asks, watching Dan carefully.

“I told them about us too,” Dan says. “There was no point in hiding it if you weren’t here anymore to share the secret.”

They’re quiet for a moment, before Phil says, “My Dan wants to tell everyone about us now.”

Dan turns his head toward Phil so fast, Phil almost thinks it might pop off. “They  _ still _ don’t know?”

Phil nods. “I felt like I had so many reasons before but now I’m mostly just afraid of what Dan- you’ll do if the fans act too crazy about it.”

Dan nods. “They will be crazy. But if they can see you’re sincere, most people will be supportive, I think. The world is basically a good place, there are just some misguided people who feel like they have to express themselves negatively to feel better.”

Phil shakes his head with a smile. “Always so darned poetic, aren’t you.”

Dan laughs.

“Pippa seems like a pretty good speaker, she’s only three, right?”

Dan nods. “I’m not surprised she talks so well. We’re together almost constantly and I do nothing but talk to her and read to her. It was a bit of a wakeup call when she was fourteen months old and said “fuck” for the first time, I had to clean up my language pretty quickly.”

Phil laughs. “My Dan would be so weirded out to find out he has a daughter.”

“Yours doesn’t though, I do,” Dan says. “I’d be willing to bet your Dan never met Pippa’s mother either.”

“Why not? Where did you meet her?”

Dan shakes his head. “It doesn’t really matter,” he says, getting up. “Do you want to go back to the lounge? We could order pizza, I haven’t eaten since lunch and I need to call Louise before she has a heart attack over you being here.”

“Alright,” Phil nods.

Dan smiles slightly. “I’ll meet you in there, I want to get changed first.”

Phil goes and sits himself on the sofa in the lounge again, and turns on the TV. It’s a comfort to see the programs are all the same as normal. Dan takes a while so Phil assumes he decided to call Louise while he was in his room. When he finally comes out, he’s dressed in black lounge pants and an Oscar’s Hotel t-shirt. Phil smiles at the shirt. “Were you still in it, here?” he asks.

Dan glances down at the shirt. “Yeah, were you and I both in it where you’re from?”

“You were Brie and I was Rash,” Phil replies.

Dan cocks his head. “Interesting,” he says. “I was one of the pieces of art from the art episode.”

Phil smiles. “How miserable were you under all that makeup?”

Dan nods. “Not as much as you might think, I got to be pretty dramatic so it was fun.”

“You’ve always been a bit of a drama queen.”

Dan makes a face, but he’s chuckling. “Watch it, Lester.”

“Weren’t you going to order pizza?”

Dan nods, picking up his Macbook off the coffee table. For just a moment, Phil sees Youtube open on the page with all of Dan’s videos, but he clicks over to a pizza place too quickly for Phil to see any of the titles.

The rest of the night is fairly quiet. The watch a bit of Star Wars since there’s a channel showing all the movie this weekend, while they eat pizza, before Dan gets up and stretches. “Hope you don’t mind, but I’m ready for bed.”

Phil gets up as well. “Where should I sleep?” he asks.

“My -” Dan pauses, thinking better of whatever he was about to reply. “There’s a bed up in the office you can sleep on. But you should come to my room first, to borrow some clothes.”

Phil nods and follows Dan to his room. He doesn’t quite know to to feel when he sees his blue and green duvet on Dan’s bed. Dan goes into his dresser and pulls out more black sweatpants and a t-shirt. “These should fit,” he says.

Phil nods. “Thank you,” he says.

Dan keeps looking at him, and Phil keeps seeing something in his eyes he can’t quite put his finger on. “Good night,” Dan says.

“Night, Dan,” Phil replies, and goes up to the office to sleep.

* * *

 

Phil is woken up by tiny hands picking up his arm and shaking it. He peels his eyes open, entirely confused, until they land on Pippa. He put his glasses on and sits up. “Good morning,” he tells her, his voice gravelly.

“Where’s Daddy?” Philippa asks, her entire three year old body completely indignant and so much like Dan.

“He’s not in his room?” Phil asks.

Phil glances over and sees a piece of paper lying on the keyboard on the desk that he doesn’t remember from the night before. He gets up and finds it’s a note from Dan.

 

_ Phil, _

_ We ran out of coffee so I had to run to the store. Shouldn’t be long. Pip shouldn’t wake up, but if she does she’ll want eggs and toast. _

_ \- Dan _

 

“Daddy had to go to the store,” Phil says. “But how about I make us some breakfast?”

Philippa doesn’t seem happy, but nods anyway. “I suppose,” she says.

Phil starts to go downstairs but realizes how much slower Philippa is, holding onto the railing and taking one step at a time with both feet. “Do you want me to carry you down?” he asks.

Philippa looks at Phil. “Daddy says I’m a big girl so I should do it by myself.”

“Are you sure?” he asks.

Philippa looks at the railing, then back at Phil. She reaches out both hands to him. The last child he picked up was Darcy, and that had been a while ago, when she was even smaller than Philippa is now. Needless to say, Phil was a little nervous taking stairs while holding Dan’s daughter, but she seemed to trust him, so he decided to trust himself - at least until they got to the kitchen, where he set her down. “Can I have juice, please?” she asks, pulling herself up on a stool at the counter.

“What kind of juice do you have?” Phil asks, opening the refrigerator.

“I like pineapple,” Philippa says. “Daddy likes orange but I think it’s yucky.”

Phil laughs, taking out the pineapple juice before looking for a cup for her. “My cup is over here,” she says, pointing to the sink.

Beside the sink, there was, in fact, a small pink and green sippy cup. He filled in and handed it to her before going back to take the eggs out. “Daddy mixes my eggs with milk in them,” she says. “But he doesn’t put any cheese because I don’t like cheese.”

Phil smiles at her. “I don’t like cheese either,” he says.

“Daddy says I’m silly cause I don’t like it.”

“He used to say something like that to me too.”

“Did you know Daddy for a long time?”

“I think so,” Phil says.

“How long?”

“About seven years.”

“How many days is that?”

Phil chuckles, scrambling the eggs in a bowl. “I’m not sure, I’ll need a calculator.”

“Isn’t there a calculator on your phone?”

“How do you know that?”

“Daddy showed me it.”

“Does Daddy let you play on his phone?”

“Not since I called someone I wasn’t ‘sposed to on accident.”

Philippa takes a sip of her juice then, while Phil starts making the toast.

“Do you make movies like Daddy does?” Philippa asks.

“Yes I do,” Phil replies. “In fact, I made a video where I tried to eat cheese even though I don’t like it.”

Philippa scrunches up her nose and laughs and it reminds Phil of Dan. “That’s yucky,” she says.

“Your Daddy laughed at me the entire time,” he says. “But it was fun.”

“You can’t have fun doing stuff that’s yucky.”

“Sometime you can,” Phil replies. “If it’s with people you love.”

“Do you love my Daddy?”

Phil pauses, her Dan isn’t his Dan to love so what’s the truth? “No one loves your Daddy as much as you do.”

Philippa nods. “That’s right,” she says.

The door opens and closes downstairs and then they listen as Dan comes upstairs. “Daddy!” Philippa shouts when Dan appears in the doorway.

“Oh, you’re both up,” Dan says. “Sorry I took so long.”

“That’s alright,” Phil says. “She’s good company.”

“Hope she didn’t talk your ear off,” Dan says, walking over and kissing the top of Philippa’s head.

“No more than you do,” Phil replies.

Dan shoots him a look but sits beside Philippa. “Who woke up first, you or Phil?” he asks her.

“Me,” she declares proudly. “I had to wake him up because this lazy bones was still sleeping even though the sun’s already up!”

Dan laughs.

“You have to be awake when the sun’s up?” Phil asks.

Philippa nods. “It’s a rule. If the sun’s awake, then I’m awake too.”

“You must drive your Daddy mad with that.”

“You have no idea,” Dan mutters.

“No mumbling, Daddy,” Philippa says. “You your big boy words.”

Phil laughs. “Why do I get the feeling you’ve told her that before?”

Dan shakes his head. “Piece of work, this one. She’s just like me.”

Philippa grins, giggling. “Are you gonna make a movie today, Daddy?”

Dan shrugs. “I was thinking about it. If you don’t mind Phil watching you while I’m filming.”

“I can show him my favorite movie!”

“He’s already seen your favorite movie, Pip.”

“What’s your favorite movie?” Phil asks.

“Totoro!”

Phil grins. “I’ll watch that with her.”

“Thank goodness,” Dan says. “Cause I’ve seen it about a hundred more times than I ever needed to.”

Phil gives Philippa her breakfast before pouring himself a bowl of cereal. “Could you pour me some too?” Dan asks.

Phil hands his bowl to Dan and pours a second one for himself. “What’s your video going to be about?”

“I was going to talk about makeup on men, I think,” Dan says.

Phil cocks his head. “Oh yeah?”

“Weeze has been teaching Daddy how to wear makeup,” Philippa pipes in.

Dan shoots her a look. “I only wear it sometimes,” he says. ”When I’m in the mood too. Sometimes it’s not worth being stared at.”

“I didn’t know you like makeup,” Phil says.

“I’ve always liked it,” Dan says. “I was just always too afraid to try it. Then Louise wanted to test something one day when Pip and I were over but she didn’t want to do it on herself so she put it on me and I kinda fell in love with it.”

“Daddy made a couple videos showing people who to put it on.”

“And I thought I might as well make a video talking about why I like it. And why other boys shouldn’t feel wrong for liking it.”

“Does this mean I get to see you wearing makeup?” Phil asks.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Yes, Phil, you get to see me with makeup on.”

“You should wear black lipstick, Daddy,” Philippa says.

“You have black lipstick?” Phil asks.

“Goes with the aesthetic,” Dan replies.

“Your aesthetic?” Phil asks. “But your hair’s curly.”

Dan shrugs. “My old haircut reminded me too much of you.”

That makes Phil’s heart want to break, just a little.

Philippa hops up as soon as she’s done eating. “I’m gonna get dressed Daddy!” she calls as she runs out of the room.

“Come get me if you need help!” he calls after her.

“I wonder if my Dan secretly likes makeup and he’s just never told me.”

“You were the last person I wanted to tell,” Dan says. “At first it was because I idolized you and didn’t want you thinking less of me. Then it was because I was sort of afraid you’d want me to hide it, like we were hiding our relationship.”

Phil frowns. “I always want you to be yourself, Dan.”

Dan shrugs. “Maybe your version of me doesn’t like it, who knows? You can ask him when you get home.”

Phil sighs. “I have no idea  _ how _ to get home.”

Dan looks at him. “Maybe you’re here to learn some kind of lesson?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you having any kind of problems where you’re from? Maybe you’re here to learn what to do about it.”

“Everything’s great where I’m from. Except for my Dan wanted to tell people about us. But that’s the only thing.”

“Maybe that’s what you need to learn something about then.”

“So I’m here so the universe can convince me we should let our fans into our personal lives?”

Dan shrugs. “It was just a suggestion. If your Dan does like makeup, maybe you’re here to learn that you aren’t letting him be himself, or something.”

Phil frowns. “I hope I’m not making him feel like he can’t be himself.”

Dan rests a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “We’ll figure it out,” he says. “After I film my video we can talk more, alright?”

Phil nods. 

After Philippa’s dressed, she and Phil go to watch My Neighbor Totoro while Dan gets ready for and films his video. He sits on the floor, while she climbs up on his back, then across his lap, and just generally all over him. She can focus on the movie better than most kids, Phil thinks, she just seems to need to keep on moving around and using Phil as a jungle gym is just fine by him as long as she's happy.

By lunchtime, they’ve changed the movie over to Winnie the Pooh - which Phil is willing to bet that Dan never complains when she wants to watch - and Dan is done and comes into the lounge. “Who wants lunch?” he asks.

“Me!” Philippa shouts.

Phil looks up at Dan and is momentarily stunned by the full face of makeup on him. “Wow,” Phil says.

Dan looks self conscious for a moment. “Good wow?”

“Great wow,” Phil says. “I never thought about how you might look in makeup before. Well, except for that video when we did each other's makeup blindfolded, but that was a joke.”

Dan looks entirely concerned for a moment. “We did each other’s makeup _ blindfolded _ ?”

“Last year for Red Nose Day.”

“Of course we did,” Dan says, shaking his head. “Anyway, what do you want for lunch, Pip?”

“Chicken nuggets!”

“And you, Phil?”

“Chicken nuggets.”

“Guess I’m making chicken nuggets,” Dan says. “Keep watching your movie Pip, Phil’s gonna come help me.”

“Aye aye,” she says, flopping herself on the sofa.

Phil follows Dan to the kitchen. “I’m making myself a salad,” Dan says. “Do you want me to make enough for both of us?”

“Sure,” Phil replies.

Dan nods, getting out the chicken nuggets and preheating the oven. “Have you thought of any other reasons why you might be here?” Dan asks.

Phil shrugs. “Maybe the universe wanted me to see what your life is like here.”

“But why though?”

“Maybe I needed to see what your life would be like without me in it?”

“If that were the case then why weren’t you sent to a place where we never met, or you’d never been born?”

“There must be something specific about now.”

Dan gets a look in his eye, like he has an idea, but he doesn’t say anything, just continues on making lunch.

“I wonder how much else is different here from home,” Phil says. “When did I die, exactly?”

Dan pauses. “In 2012,” he replies. “In the middle of us being sort standoffish with each other. Actually, I had to take on some extra work for a while to be able to afford this place on my own. Our parents helped out a little, for a while, actually.”

“How did I die?” Phil asks.

Dan pauses, standing in front of the oven. “Phil…”

“Daddy!” Philippa calls.

Dan’s shoulder sag with relief as he leaves the room to see what she needs. 

Phil doesn’t ask again when he comes back.

* * *

 

After lunch, Philippa has a playdate at the park, so Dan takes her and Phil opts to stay behind in the flat. So as not to risk someone recognizing him or asking questions.

Dan leaves him with permission to go anywhere he wants and use his Macbook if he’s like.

Of course Phil takes the opportunity to go on the internet. He opens up Youtube.

Everything is mostly the same as it was back home. There are a few different videos by some of his friends but it’s mostly the same. When he finally works up the courage, he types in danisnotonfire and clicks to scroll through his full list of videos. The most recent is one titled Pippa and the Picnic Pt. 3 - even though there is not a part one or two immediately preceding it - which Phil clicks on right away.

Dan looks just like a daily vlogger as he greets his viewer with bedhead and a smile. He walks them through his morning and shows them when he’s got Pippa’s hair braided with a little white on top and he’s put her in a little navy sundress with white polka dots on it. Dan documents the whole day, from where Louise picks them up, to when they meet up with a few other friends at a park and have lunch, to when Pippa gets scared by a goose and tries to climb up Dan’s leg to get away from it.

Dan seems happy here, even happier than Phil’s own Dan back home.

Phil goes back when the video is over and looks over the list. Dan has done several makeup tutorials - and only the first one seemed to be for the irony - he’s done a few movie reviews, a few music reviews, more daily vlogs, a few more Reasons Why Dan’s a Fails, and a new view about existential crises, among others. Phil watches several of them, kind of wishing he’d been here to see when Dan had made each of them. There is one video that piques Phil’s interest, because it’s the last video he posted in 2012 until the video when Dan announces Pippa is on her way in 2013.

The thumbnail catches Phil off guard, because even with a picture so tiny it looks like Dan’s crying in it. The title is Cemetery Drive (like My Chemical Romance, But Not Really). Phil is so tempted to click on it, but he has the strangest feeling like he’s going to see something he really doesn’t want to see if he does.

The decision is made for him, because Dan and Philippa come home then, and Phil closes Dan’s Macbook. 

“Alright,” Dan says, as they walk inside. “It’s nap time, so get get in bed.”

“Yes, Daddy,” Philippa says. She peeks into the lounge to wave at Phil on her way.

“Have a good nap,” he calls after her.

“I will!” she calls back.

Dan follows to tuck her in before coming back out to sit with Phil in the lounge. “I should really edit that video while she’s sleeping,” he says. “But I really don’t feel like it.”

“I really like a lot of the videos you’ve done,” Phil says.

Dan cocks his head at him. “Oh, did you look through my channel?”

Phil nods. “It’s different from what my Dan has done, but it’s still good and interesting to me.”

Dan shakes his head. “Thank goodness,” he says. “I had a hard time getting over posting things without running them by your first.”

“Dan,” Phil says.

“Yes Phil?”

“How did I die.”

"Phil -"

"How did I die, Dan?" Phil insists, peering into his eyes. “You have to tell me. I think that’s what I need to know to get home.”

Dan looks at the floor and takes a moment to pause and think.

When he starts talking, it’s like it's a script he's memorized and long since got bored with reciting. "A video you made for me got leaked on Youtube. We were only just gaining popularity then and all the attention was a little frightening for both of us," Dan begins.

"I remember that," Phil says.

Dan continues carefully. "You and I tried not to fight with each other but I was acting really moody and you were trying to hide, I think, so things got kind of strained between us."

Phil nods, he remembers that as well. Dan can't keep looking at him as he goes on, "Things went on like that for a few weeks and then, one day, I asked what we were going to do when we had to film the next Phil is not on fire. You gave some weird answer I still can't remember and shut yourself up in your room.”

Phil remembers this too, but can’t quite remember what happened next.

“I want to go after you,” Dan says. “I just wanted everything to go back to normal. Things could be normal yet, though, we were still getting questions all the time and people were calling me a fag and I wasn’t ready for it.”

Phil’s mouth opens, as he starts to remember.

“So, I wrote you a note and stuck it under our door. I told you I loved you but I needed a little space so I was going home for the weekend.”

“You never left though,” Phil says.

Dan looks at him, then his eyes well up and a sob seizes up from his throat, as he shakes his head. “I did,” Dan says. “And by the time I came home on Monday, you had already left and were on your way to throwing yourself in front of a train.”

“I killed myself,” Phil whispers.

Dan leans his face into his hands, nodding. “I should never have left,” Dan says.

Phil shakes his head, his own eyes welling up. “Dan, that wasn’t your fault,” he says.

“But your Dan stayed and you’re still alive, my Phil is dead because I left!”

“No, no,” Phil insists, wiping his own eyes with his hands. “Dan, I was already thinking about it, you couldn’t have changed anything.”

Dan continues crying into his hands. “Everything it so hard without you, Phil,” he says. “Until Philippa was born I didn’t know if I was going to make it and then… she came and suddenly things were bearable again, I had to get it together for her. I couldn’t let her be motherless with a father who was pining after someone who was already gone.”

Phil watches Dan, still wiping tears out of his eyes.

“Every time I’m alone I have to take deep breaths to keep from crying because it’s been such a long time but I can’t make you not being here hurt any less. I miss you so much, Phil.”

Phil can’t help it anymore, he pulls Dan into his arms, rocking the two of them.

“I know everything looks okay,” Dan says. “But unless I’m with Pip, it’s so hard to be happy without you.”

Phil strokes Dan’s hair and they sit together for a long time, until Dan falls asleep leaning on him. Phil gets the feel Dan doesn’t sleep as much as he should.

He props Dan up against the arm of the couch and picks up Dan’s Macbook again. He goes up to the office, and finally clicks on the video that he wasn’t sure if he should watch before.

It opens on Dan sitting on his bed, his eyes are puffy, like he’s been crying already.

He sniffs and begins to speak and his voice cracks, “As I think most of you already know, Phil… took his own life, a few days ago.”

There’s a cut and Dan continues, “As you may not have known, Phil is…  _ was _ my boyfriend.”

Another cut; Dan looks significantly more upset now. “I don’t even know what the use of telling you all this is now, but I feel like I have to. I feel like you need to know what he meant to me before you start spamming my comments and my tumblr and my twitter with too many questions for me to answer right now.”

There’s another cut, a Dan looks like he’s reigned himself in just a little. “I just want you all to know, that Phil was the greatest person I’ve ever know.” Dan starts to crumble again, his voice shaking. “He’s so much smarter than me, and so fun, and I love him so much.” Dan takes a deep breath, wiping his eyes. “I guess I need you to know about us so you know why I might not be back. I want to come back, I love it here. But I’m afraid that doing this is only going to hurt me if I have to do it without getting to mourn first.”

There’s a few cuts, all of Dan breathing and crying and looking like he’s about to speak but stopping. “Just,” he says eventually. “Give me some time.”

With that, the video ends.

* * *

 

Philippa is still asleep when Phil comes back down, but Dan has woken up.

Dan looks up when Phil walks back into the lounge. “I thought it might have been a dream,” he says.

Phil sit down. “I actually thought you would be happier without me,” Phil says so quietly, Dan almost doesn’t hear him.

Dan looks at him, watching him quietly as he continues.

“That was what I was thinking when I fell asleep before coming here. “I thought you would be better off if I weren’t around to keep you from doing what you want. And maybe that’s a little bit true, but thinking about making you cry like that... I don’t ever want to do anything to make you that sad.”

Dan reaches over and holds Phil’s hand. “I wish all the time that you were still here,” he says. “But if you were here, Pippa wouldn’t be. And if I think of it that way, I can’t imagine trading my daughter for anything, even if I meant I could see you again. As much as I treasure the time I could have with you, Philippa is my priority now so I have to ignore that pain for her.”

Phil looks at him.

“I’m not sure what I’m trying to say,” Dan says. “Maybe that, yes, I would be alright without you, but without you there’s still a gaping hole in my life. So, don’t think I’m better off without you, Phil. You’re worth it to me.”

Phil hugs Dan again. “Thank you,” he says.

Dan hugs him back and suddenly Phil feels very sleepy. Dan smiles when he yawns. “I think you need a nap too,” he says.

Phil nods and lets Dan help him lie down.

“Who knows,” Dan says, as the world seems to go fuzzy from drowsiness. “Maybe you’ll be home when you wake up.”

**Author's Note:**

> In retrospect, one of the tags kind of ruins the ending.


End file.
